That's what I heard from at least one person every time something bad happened to me. At one point, I became so discouraged that I almost bought into it and started feeling sorry for myself. I was blessed to have good friends who knew how to tell me to stop complaining and do something about it.
So I did!
Where I am today is what I could only hope for and dream of a year ago. I had lost everything, and almost lost my faith in myself. I felt hopeless. I was homeless. Too proud to really tell anyone much or even open up and connect with someone new. I pulled away from those I had socialized with because I didn't want them finding out and making a snap judgment about my character because of it. (Nothing worse than to be kicked when you're down)
So let me back up a bit to help you understand the joy I feel right at this very moment. But to know the joy, you must first understand the pain, and the process.
August 20, 2005 at 2:30AM I was on my way home from my best friends house. My vehicle was at a stop and I was waiting for the light to turn green. The next thing I remember is darkness, and voices in the far distance yelling. I turned toward the sounds and suddenly felt myself being sucked down as if I were caught in a vacuum. The distant voices, as though at the end of a long tunnel, became louder and more distinct. Then suddenly, a loud noise, a bright light, intense pain, and I gasped. I screamed, only to find the pain intensified when I took in a deep breath. I couldn't move. I was pinned. I could feel someone's hand on my lower leg and a familiar voice calming me saying, "You've been in a serious accident, try not to move, the ambulance is on the way." Then I heard other voices discussing how to get the door open. Once again the voice spoke, "Can you feel me touching your leg?" I responded in a weak voice, "Yes, I hurt everywhere, get me out of here please." She reassured me that the ambulance was on its way and that they fire department would be able to get the door open. "Take shallow breaths and try not to move because we don't' know if your neck or back is broken." Then I felt myself slip away again and those voices became distant.
I had been struck by a van going 70mph, driven by a Mexican National Male, without papers, drivers license, or insurance, with the blood alcohol level of .214. He had passed out at the wheel when pulling off at the exit and hit me from behind. I suffered multiple fractures of the ribs, broken shoulder in 2 places, broken clavicle, broken nose, torn ligaments and tendons, thoracic nerve damage, and two herniated disks at the base of my neck. I was blessed to be alive. I was blessed to not be a vegetable. And I was blessed with the determination to recover.
I had no idea I would have so much to recover from. Seven months after the accident my savings had been depleted and all available help was spent on basic survival. I had no choice but to go back to work. I took a position with a mortgage company since I had 2 years prior experience and had been in escrow right before the accident. I was confident I would be able to generate a reasonable income. Then complications arose. I had to stop working. And what seemed a disaster, struck me. Was it not enough that I had just gone through physical pain but to lose everything also? First my car, then my condo, then all of my personal household belongings still in storage up in WA state. But that's what happens when you can't pay bills.
I had several people ask where was my family, where were my friends, why wasn't anyone helping me? The ones who could or were willing and able had already helped all they could. Perhaps I was a bit too prideful and didn't ask the right people. I asked a few who I felt were in a better financial position to help. I won't share the outcome of those inquiries.
I took what little money I had left and put the belongings I had with me in Phoenix into a storage unit and rented a weekly studio apartment. At least I wasn't without a bed to sleep in. Next problem to solve was getting a job. In Phoenix that isn't a big problem. I got something that covered the immediate bills. I survived in the weekly apartment on my weekly paying job, but didn't have enough to set aside to really get back on my feet. And I was beat. I had held on as long as I could. After 5 years of business ownership, and another 6 years of trying to work for others and getting nowhere, I made a decision.
The job I was working at the time had a weekly motivational training session. We received pearls of knowledge that have the potential to wake up the average mind and help it to propel itself to greatness. That is, if that person is open to it. And one day we were asked to admit one behavior that we had which was preventing us from being successful and make a promise to change it. Everyone had an answer, some were really good. Then it was my turn.
"One of the things I have done that has prevented me from being successful in all areas both professional and personal has been that I've been lying to myself about some things. Partly because of fear and not wanting to face some truths about myself and about others that I love. So today I am making a commitment to stop lying to myself and being honest about who I am, take accountability for the things I've done, and take charge of my success, starting today." Suddenly I heard the room erupt in applause. "Wow, that was a well thought out commitment. I think you're off to a great start."
Two weeks later I quit that job and entered into the personal entertainment industry, after 11 years of being away. There were so many changes, and in spite of my instilled street savvy and experience, I knew I had a lot to learn in order to be safe. I also knew that I had to have a goal, something to work toward so that I didn't just spend my income frivolously on things that won't last. There was a dream I had put on hold for years with the excuse that I never had enough money to make it come true. So I committed to using a portion of what I earned and put it toward making that dream come true.
As we all know, being in this industry can be hard on someone. It can turn even the sweetest girl into a bitter woman. And I already had so much to grieve over. In addition to the personal losses I had recently experienced, I had also lost some family members very close to me. A couple, due to death, and several due to a disagreement and false belief. I felt I had lost everything important to me so I had nothing to lose by entering this industry and trying to at least make the one last dream I had alive left in me come true.
This last year has been wonderful and difficult. It has had it's ups and downs. But I did eventually get to a point where I could say I had progressed from where I was a year ago. I had resolved myself to the losses I had experienced. I mourned the loss of my children's pictures and my christening gown and first cup as a baby. So many precious memories and belongings were gone, and I mourned them as if mourning the loss of my own past life. Yet I forged forward the best I could, reasoning with myself that it was just stuff. And new stuff can be bought and new memories can be made.
Moving into this house in Las Vegas was completely unexpected. I hadn't even considered this city as an option for residence. But someone wonderful came into my life and talked me into looking at this house. I wasn't really inclined to move into it but I went to see it never the less. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the opportunity, but really had no plans to follow through with renting it. Then I stood in the doorway and an old dream of mine became reality. I looked back, and with a smile eagerly said, "I'll take it!" I knew something important had to be happening for me to have dreamed about this.
No sooner did I move here and the friend who had talked me into moving here went through a crisis. I was content knowing that all of my belongings were now in one place and I felt I could take the time to help. I wanted to help. It's in my nature. Then the unexpected began to occur. I received a phone call from a close family member who had wrongly accused me of something several months back asking me for forgiveness. I was so relieved to know that the misunderstanding was over that I didn't even care what had been said or done. I just wanted to be there, hugging her, and telling her how happy I was to hear her voice. No forgiveness was necessary because I knew the reason behind it and was simply waiting for the truth to be known. And what an incredible relief to receive that call.
I was on top of the world!!! Suddenly I felt like I could breathe a little better. A few days go by and I receive a call from a younger brother. "Hey I got some mail for you today. It's from that storage place you got when you moved out of your townhouse up here. Apparently they are under new ownership and the new owners say your stuff is still there. I guess the old owners never auctioned it off like they said they were going to. They just want $1500 by the 16th of July and you can come get your things."
A Miracle? YES!!! What ever it was that the previous ownership went through must have tied things up so they couldn't sell my things. And now, all my children's pictures, all my baby memorabilia, my awesome brand new Dinning room set (oh yeah oh yeah) and all of my creative projects and writings that I had saved from years before is still safe and sound in a climate controlled box, just waiting for me to come and claim it. I felt like more than a rdeam had come true. My life had been given back to me. Or had I fought to get my life back?
"You must have done something really bad to have all these horrible things happen to you. Did you screw someone over or something?"
I'm pretty sure Job heard something on those lines back when he lost his family, his house, and his health. Not that I am comparing myself to Job, but I have a few questions for him when I meet him at the pearly gates. I would like to think that he might be one of my assigned guardian angels, guiding me through the complicated journey of loss and humility. I had resolved myself to the losses. I was willing to move on and attempt to do it gracefully, pressing ever onward to reaching my gold and making my dream come true.
Could this be the payoff for the commitment I made to myself almost exactly a year ago? Could it be that all of these losses were designed to see how determined I was to reach my goal? Or are the events simply a coincidence, and happen to occur at a pivotal moment in my life?
You must have done something really bad....."
Superstitious beliefs leave no room for a better understanding of the cosmic events that happen in our lives. We all go through trials that somehow seemed designed to help us learn some new skills or gain a new understanding. Life is filled with these experiences, we only have to take these opportunities to grow rather than to look at it as a some horrible cosmic joke designed to break us.
Nothing can break you, remember that. Nothing can break you, but you can allow yourself to become broken if you forget how to hold onto that which is good in your life and appreciate the good things you do have. Show someone else some compassion when you have no reason to. Take time out of your schedule to do a kind deed when you think you don't have any time to spare. Give someone the benefit of the doubt when you have absolutely no reason to believe them. Forgive someone for a wrong they did to you even though they aren't sorry. Do one of these things each day of your life and watch the miracles begin to happen. Even the worst sinner in Gods eyes is worthy of a miracle, you simply have to claim it and change what you focus on.
Comments
theotherone:
Just had to comment on your very touching story. Makes me want to come to Las Vegas and give ya a big hug...BTW, those are... truly gorgeous legs for 43.
Theotherone
jagr:
All I can say is WOW! What an incredible story of courage and strength.
You are obviously an Angel who has been blessed with many gifts.
Thank you for sharing your life with me and others. Your beauty is radiant, both inside and out! jagr
PS - Can we get out of the bubble bath now?
